lowest

I spoke too soon in my last post. Tuesday night at about 10pm, I received a huge blow to my solar plexus, and three days later I'm still struggling to catch my breath.

Am I over-dramatizing the situation? Perhaps. But this is how I feel about it, and I can't help it. The worst part of it all is that I set myself up to get screwed like this...I guess I just trusted where I shouldn't have.

Basically, my fabulous roommate Nicole and I are getting booted out of our apartment February 13. This is because we are subleasing with another roommate, Shaena (to whom we wrote our rent checks. Yeah. Hence the current self-loathing), who has decided to give her 30 days' notice IN THE MIDDLE OF JANUARY. Nevermind that I am miffed that she couldn't at least have given a preliminary warning so that

down again

Mood is down again today. It was pretty "up" yesterday.

I don't know what's the matter with me.

Today = struggle.

back again

I've been on hiatus for a few weeks, enjoying a wonderful, beautiful, dare I say magical trip to Fargo with my family. Spent time with loved ones, enjoyed conversations with my dad, brothers, grandparents, cousins. It's been hard for me to come back. After a pretty deep talk with my dad, and another with my mom's older sister, and also a good friend from back home, I have opened up my mind to the fact that I'm really very very blessed in life. Not everyone is so fortunate as I to have such a caring and loving family life. Sure, we're not perfect, and we've had our fair share of problems, sadness and tragedies....nevertheless, I know I'm blessed. These thoughts have helped me get past the sadness, longing and homesickness I've felt so deeply in the past week.

I'm going to post the lyrics to the song "Wanting Memories" by Ysaye Barnwell below. This is a song I performed all the time during my years in the Chicago Children's Choir, and it always makes me take a pause, and reflect on my life, and reminds me that I'm not alone in my struggles to remember the good things in life. Ysaye wrote this on the death of her father. The song is very pretty too....I'm sure you can search it on YouTube.

I am sitting here wanting memories to teach me
to see the beauty in the world through my own eyes.
I am sitting here wanting memories to teach me
To see the beauty in the world through my own eyes.

You said you'd rock me in the cradle of your arms.
You said you'd hold me ‘til the storms of life were gone.
You said you'd comfort me in times like these and now I need you.
Now I need you...
And you are -
gone.

So, I am sitting here wanting memories to teach me
to see the beauty in the world through my own eyes.
Since you've gone and left me, there's been so little beauty,
but I know I saw it clearly through your eyes.
Now the world outside is such a cold and bitter place.
Here inside I have few things that will console.
And when I try to hear your voice above the storms of life,
then i remember all the things that I was told.

Well, I am sitting here wanting memories to teach me
to see the beauty in the world through my own eyes.
Yes, I am sitting here wanting memories to teach me
To see the beauty in the world through my own eyes.
I think on the things that made me feel so wonderful when I was young.
I think on the things that made me laugh , made me dance, made me sing.
I think on the things that made me grow into a being full of pride.
I think on these things, for they are true.

I am sitting here wanting memories to teach me
to see the beauty in the world through my own eyes.
I thought that you were gone, but now I know you're with me.
You are the voice that whispers all I need to hear.
I know a "Please", a "Thank you", and a smile will take me far.
I know that I am you and you are me, and we are one.
I know that who I am is numbered in each grain of sand.
I know that I am blessed,
again, and again, and again, and again,
and, again.

I am sitting here wanting memories to teach me
to see the beauty in the world through my own eyes.
I am sitting here wanting memories to teach me
To see the beauty in the world through my own eyes.