your love keeps liftin' me...

I left that last blog half-done on purpose. A month ago I was so angry I just had to step away, and I told myself I'd finish when the smoke cleared.

Well it's been a month. And after much stress, several hundred cups of coffee, even more alcoholic drinks and enough anger to power NYC for a week, the smoke seems to have finally cleared away (knock on wood).

This is my new home (pics are generally of the living room and master BR, for which we succeeded in finding an awesome occupant)

From apt pics

From apt pics

From apt pics

And then, only a few days after moving in, I was off with Linus to Toronto to see my aunts and my Staramama. What a wonderful dose of love and family that was. I can't think about it without having tears in my eyes.

It was hard in some ways, having not been back in so long, and being that the last time I was there was with my WHOLE family--Christmas 2005. It was weird too in that I was seeing all these people for the first time since July or August 2007, when we were all congregated in Chicago for my Mom's illness and, finally, her funeral. And I was there of my own volition because I wanted to see them, not because I was being made to by someone.

And I was tour guiding, which always brings back a lot of hazy memories. As a result many of my touring requests to Teta Mary (that's "Aunt Mary" to those non-Slovenians among you) went something like this: "Remember that place, with all the green lights, where we used to get kitchen supplies, and there would be a band playing...?" etc.

Anyway, we did all the things I used to love doing in Toronto. We went to Kingsway Fish & Chips (twice, in fact), Le Marché (it's called Richtree now), Niagara Falls and Niagara-on-the-Lake, Eaton Centre, Chinatown, we rode the streetcar and the subway (and witnessed a drug deal!), ate at Mandarin, and did the most important thing of all: talked, ate, and played games with my family and friends.

It was in some ways weird and tough being there, but it was even tougher to leave. Everyone kept saying how wonderful it was to see me, and how wonderful of me to come. All I kept thinking was how could I not, and why did it take so long for me to come? If only it wasn't so far/expensive/time consuming. To think I used to come to Toronto several times a year!

Staramama got tears in her eyes a lot. I know she was thinking about my mom. I caught myself staring at Teta Cveti once, because she looks so much like her. I was straining to see the parts that looked like Mom, because then it would be like she was with us.

I was so enveloped/showered/downpoured with love, affection, appreciation and thanks that I'm a little off of my "game" two days later here in LA.

But I'm happy I went. I miss family all over again.

Now that I'm back, my tasks are to learn this solo piece for an audition next week for the COMPOSER, ANDREA MORRICONE (yes you read right, Ennio's kid); perform "Summertime" for a recital this Sunday (supposedly. I have not heard anything from the person who is in charge); continue unpacking; try to find time to "bond" with new roommate whom I don't know that well and would like to (just cause, you know, we do have to live together); and prepare for Al's visit on the 27th (CAN'T WAIT).

I hope this was enough blog updates for now. I hope to post more pics soon, but that all depends on when i can get pics to a Kinko's or uploaded using someone else's camera. Which reminds me, I must find the receipt for that camera so I can send it to Canon for repairs. It broke in Toronto

lowest

I spoke too soon in my last post. Tuesday night at about 10pm, I received a huge blow to my solar plexus, and three days later I'm still struggling to catch my breath.

Am I over-dramatizing the situation? Perhaps. But this is how I feel about it, and I can't help it. The worst part of it all is that I set myself up to get screwed like this...I guess I just trusted where I shouldn't have.

Basically, my fabulous roommate Nicole and I are getting booted out of our apartment February 13. This is because we are subleasing with another roommate, Shaena (to whom we wrote our rent checks. Yeah. Hence the current self-loathing), who has decided to give her 30 days' notice IN THE MIDDLE OF JANUARY. Nevermind that I am miffed that she couldn't at least have given a preliminary warning so that

down again

Mood is down again today. It was pretty "up" yesterday.

I don't know what's the matter with me.

Today = struggle.

back again

I've been on hiatus for a few weeks, enjoying a wonderful, beautiful, dare I say magical trip to Fargo with my family. Spent time with loved ones, enjoyed conversations with my dad, brothers, grandparents, cousins. It's been hard for me to come back. After a pretty deep talk with my dad, and another with my mom's older sister, and also a good friend from back home, I have opened up my mind to the fact that I'm really very very blessed in life. Not everyone is so fortunate as I to have such a caring and loving family life. Sure, we're not perfect, and we've had our fair share of problems, sadness and tragedies....nevertheless, I know I'm blessed. These thoughts have helped me get past the sadness, longing and homesickness I've felt so deeply in the past week.

I'm going to post the lyrics to the song "Wanting Memories" by Ysaye Barnwell below. This is a song I performed all the time during my years in the Chicago Children's Choir, and it always makes me take a pause, and reflect on my life, and reminds me that I'm not alone in my struggles to remember the good things in life. Ysaye wrote this on the death of her father. The song is very pretty too....I'm sure you can search it on YouTube.

I am sitting here wanting memories to teach me
to see the beauty in the world through my own eyes.
I am sitting here wanting memories to teach me
To see the beauty in the world through my own eyes.

You said you'd rock me in the cradle of your arms.
You said you'd hold me ‘til the storms of life were gone.
You said you'd comfort me in times like these and now I need you.
Now I need you...
And you are -
gone.

So, I am sitting here wanting memories to teach me
to see the beauty in the world through my own eyes.
Since you've gone and left me, there's been so little beauty,
but I know I saw it clearly through your eyes.
Now the world outside is such a cold and bitter place.
Here inside I have few things that will console.
And when I try to hear your voice above the storms of life,
then i remember all the things that I was told.

Well, I am sitting here wanting memories to teach me
to see the beauty in the world through my own eyes.
Yes, I am sitting here wanting memories to teach me
To see the beauty in the world through my own eyes.
I think on the things that made me feel so wonderful when I was young.
I think on the things that made me laugh , made me dance, made me sing.
I think on the things that made me grow into a being full of pride.
I think on these things, for they are true.

I am sitting here wanting memories to teach me
to see the beauty in the world through my own eyes.
I thought that you were gone, but now I know you're with me.
You are the voice that whispers all I need to hear.
I know a "Please", a "Thank you", and a smile will take me far.
I know that I am you and you are me, and we are one.
I know that who I am is numbered in each grain of sand.
I know that I am blessed,
again, and again, and again, and again,
and, again.

I am sitting here wanting memories to teach me
to see the beauty in the world through my own eyes.
I am sitting here wanting memories to teach me
To see the beauty in the world through my own eyes.

accuweather.com haiku/prayer

Oh Accuweather
I will now be stalking you
Hawklike, 'til next week

Three storms predicted
Each riddled with ice and snow
And bitter windchills

Oh Accuweather
Smile kindly upon me, friend
I always trust you

Display no colors
Indicating flight delays
For the next six days.

time goes by so slowly

And I suppose plenty has indeed taken place. Chorale holiday concert, got the majority of my cards out....

it's finally chilly here, and a little rainy yesterday.....

but i'm sick of work, I'm so ready to go home for holidays....

Girls and Guitar Center

So I went into Guitar Center yesterday to pick out a present for my little brother.

No sooner had I set foot in the place than a salesperson was upon me, asking if I need help. Usually I hate this, but in this case I did need some assistance with picking the right item [can't be too specific here--you never know who is reading]. This guy pointed me toward the sales counter, behind which were stacks of what I was looking for.

No sooner had I bent down to get a closer look at the different brands and prices, than another guy practically leaped from the other end of the counter over to where I was. I asked a few questions, he helped me choose what I wanted, and then proceeded to start ringing me up. During this, he was asking me all sorts of questions (the first one, as always, "How you do you pronounce your name?" followed immediately by "What is that--I mean, does it mean something?"). Asked if I played any instruments, and yadda yadda. Was very enthusiastic about the very generous Guitar Center redturn policy, gave me his card (GC makes personalized business cards for all its employees!) and said he can get me online discounts if I call in.

I texted Linus that I had a very good customer service experience in Guitar Center. His response was basically "Well duh.. there was a girl in there!" I was incredulous. I'm sure girls go in there all the time, I insisted. Linus responded that if I had gone in there and asked for a guitar, they would have built me one right there out of wood and string. Bit of an exaggeration, no? There are PLENTY of girl musicians and girl rockers at that. I mean, it's not like I went into GameStop (of course there, nobody comes over to help you because they're all too shy and nerdy).

Anyway, fast forward to yesterday evening when I decided to go and hear a friend/fellow Ferrante teacher's set at a bar near Universal Studios. Linus couldn't make it and I never heard back from the roomie so I went solo. Which was fine except that first thing when I walked in, a creepy-looking dude clapped me on the shoulder and make some kind of remark. I missed England briefly (people go to pubs by themselves all the time there). Then I sat down at my friend's table so I could avoid further accosting.

They were about to play so I introduced myself to the other guy sitting at the table. He said he knew my friend from working with him at Guitar Center. Naturally I said something like, "Oh, I was just there today! Everyone was so awesome to me" or something. His response: "Well, girls never come in there." Well, my jaw must have dropped a little. I told him that he was the second person to say that to me today. I repeated Linus's comment to him and he said, "Yep, that's pretty much true." He says when girls come in, they're always with their boyfriends who are buying stuff.

Well, that's my little anecdote for the day.

Oh--and when I left the bar that night (I was on the phone so maybe the guy thought I couldn't hear), I heard the bouncer (also on his phone) say, "the one cute girl in the place just left."